Neckar Unrivaled

One day I will be able to look back and find that I was more then what they made me out to be. For every person who held me in their arms and kissed me. For everyone who told me I was all they thought about. For the ones who held my hand and help me get through the hardest of times.

Your blood will be the first I spill, for those who cared about me even know you really didn’t. For those who wanted to hold me but never got a chance. Your just selfish, your just scared of what you might find. What are you scared of? I was scared too, now we’ll never find out.

I will bleed you out, the shards of love will run into the pain and suffering of those who screamed, love me, hold me. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be alone. To those who never gave anyone a chance, who questioned and judged because they where different.

When I opened my eyes I can still hear him talking to me. Even know I ask him., leave me be. Please I don’t want to know, it hurts too much to know. Yet he never leaves me alone. He questions my feelings, my love. Who is anyone to question my path I have picked, it works for me. It makes me feel safe and is it so wrong that I want to share with another?

I walked around and see people worst off then me. I know I can feel it, their tears and loss hope. But they know they have each other and through that pain the found a common ground no matter how different or wrong the other was. To see something in someone, to see why they are special. To ride the wind with them and hold them, and say to them. “I will love you until one can not love anymore, to catch you when you fall, to hold you when your sad, to laugh at your jokes and smile when your dreams come true.”

Everyday I watch and listen and wonder what happen to me? Why did my path fall so far off the main road to this play where no one would take another look at me and those who do end up hating me. I some times wonder if my life has just been one big lie, if its a dream and I’ll wake up dead or worst. Funny, what is worst then death?

I’ll tell you; its waking up cold, hurting and I don’t just mean sleeping on the wrong side or anything. I mean true pain and going outside in the cold air and knowing that you can take it. That some weird, some strange way you come calling for that pain. It makes you stronger and almost makes you feel bad that you want to share it with another.

In life we walk, we spend our days doing what they told us to do. Get a job, make money and pay your taxes and bills. Get a car, put gas in it. Smile, go on a date, tell a pretty girl you have only eyes for her while your staring at the big chests woman on the other end of the bar. She gives you your number and you end up going home with her and making love to her for hours on in.

You wake up to find her gone. No note, no phone number, no reason why. Where you that bad? You did your best and no one should fault you for that. You see her a week later, scared to walk up to her. All you did was think about her the whole time. No matter what you tried to get her out of your mind, you couldn’t

She sees you and waves. You run into each other and have lunch. It’s quiet and finally she speaks. “I’m sorry for leaving, I was scared what it would mean to fall in love.” He asked her. “I’m scared too, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

With a soft smile she takes his hand and tells him, tells him how her last boyfriend used her, how she was rapped at the young age of 16 years old and how she has trust issues. That she wants someone but is not ready for it. He tells her, he would wait for her. She smiles and goes on her way, leaving her number.

For a while things are good, they talk every night, a few times she fell asleep on the phone. It was cute, no matter how much she hates it. They go out dating under the stars and they share their real first kiss, it’s like a dream. So perfect, and yet it’s not. Soon her job gets in the way, they see each other less. He is a free spirit, feels that working is overrated, working none stop for nothing.

I saw my dad, hes 55 years old now. He didn’t finish high school, he worked form job to job until he finally found something he was good at. Over 20 years he worked nights, never seeing his family, his son goes weeks not knowing even to a point he has no idea who his father is, just the man who walks in every now and then to yell at his mother and eat and sleep.

Standing at the edge of life, all you want is things to be easy for once. I’ve had to put up with so much bull crap in my life. I lost my grandparents at young age. No one told me why they had to be put in the ground, that they past away. I never cried until i saw them in my dreams. Then I could hear them and others talking to me. Telling me things.

Growing up wasn’t any better, I was always the last one at everything. I did the best I could. After all, can you ask for anything more? I had my first crush, but she had none of it. I was short, fate and ugly. Life was so hard and I was only 11 years old. Now I’m older, in my 30s and life is just as hard. I’m still short, fate and ugly. People live by a code, the same code my father lived by. Working, working and more working.

For what? He end up having a heart attack at 62 a year before he would retire form a job he worked 60 hours a week for over 20 years. They rushed him in and he died 15 hours later. He didn’t know who I was, I couldn’t’ say good-bye to him for he didn’t know who I was. I looked back and wondered if he was really happy with his life. I start to cry, will I fall that same way?

I see my mom, my mom used to tell me how much she hated him, how he was a ass whole and a jerk and never understood her feelings. I saw them fight, I saw them tell each other off and even through it all they never broke up, sure they came close. But it was always “we’re staying together for you” that or it cost to much at their old ages to break up and they had just settled on each other.

But.. when my dad died, my mom was quiet, she cried yes but said nothing. Later that night, at home, she cried his name, I had see my mom cry before. Never like this, she missed him, and it was then, only then I fully understood what real love met.

I love you, yes people say it all the time. It’s like crack, they toss it around, they say. “I love you so much, I never want to be with out you.” Most people are full of it. Never until they look into my mothers eyes, and see the tears she had. I never felt so bad in my life. There I was 35 years old, the last girl I had met was form a dating site. We never even got to meet, even know I wanted to very badly but I was poor, broke. Hell I would have walked if I knew where to go. But it didn’t work out, I hurt her and she moved on.

In a way I’m proud she moved on. After all I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. Nothing like the girl I met at the bar and had a one night stand with. She was just someone I met, nothing ever lasting. The next day I saw my mom, she looked fine and she smiled and asked if I was hungry. For god sakes, this woman, just lost the man she spent the last 40 years with. They had been through alot, they had many good and alot of really bad times. I remember thinking. Why?

“Mom.. I’m sorry..” She looked confused, “Sorry for what?” And I told her, for disappointing her, for not bring her grand-kids, for not doing what I should have done, it was almost too late now. No one in their right mind would want to be with a loser. My mom smiled. “No sweetheart, your not a loser any girl would be lucky to have you. She is out there, you’ll find her. Trust me, she is looking for you right now and she misses you. And you will be a great father someday.”

“But mom, I’m 35 years old.. the last girl I was in love with was over a silly old computer.. sure I think I got to know her more then anyone ever got to know her to that point and time, but she.. or I mean I hurt her. I didn’t do what she wanted. I didn’t live up to what she needed. She was so perfect for me, I simply messed up.” It was true, why would anyone new want to deal with my stupid stuff, a broken heart, a broken dream, a broken home.

But my mom, a wonderful woman, flawed and yet so wise. “Someday, you’ll see her. She will be shocked to see you and will hug you and tell you how she has missed you. Right there, your eyes will lock and she will blush and look away and when that happens you will know.” I asked her and who will this person be? I haven’t been on a date in years and the last time I was outside, no one was making a pass at me. I’m a ghost.

“You already met her, she is the one you let get away.” hearing that my heart dropped. I still had her number, I knew she was still online, I had seen her many times on but was too scared to say anything. It had been too long. Finally after a week, a week of hearing my mom’s cries. She was in so much pain, that pain feed to me. Did I really want to be alone? Yes I was a lonely man, I hadn’t been with a woman in forever and missed that touch only a woman can give.

I text her and said, hey whats up long time. I didn’t get anything back form her. I wondered if she had changed her number and it had went to the wrong person. I hadn’t seen her on for a week, which wasn’t odd. After all it had been 10 years. She likely moved, maybe even found her special sweetheart and married him and had kids and living her dream. I a dream we once talked about.

Then one day at the store, I was getting some milk and this woman giggled. I could never forget that giggled. It was so.. the word sweet, she sounded like a total girl. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I had been thinking about her alot. I could still remember her face, her smile, her eyes, the way her eyes laid and the way she was. I felt young again.

“Hey.. long time..” I heard, turning there she was. She looked good, to me down right hot. Just as I remembered her she walked up to me and hugged me. It had to be a dream, I had lost it. I was so lonely, I had a chance to tell her how I really felt and beg her, I’m talking the kind when you get on your knees in front of people type of begging but I let her go.. 10 years ago.

She kissed my cheek and held me and whisper. “I got your text, sorry I didn’t answer back but I rather just do this.” And that kiss form my cheek moved to my lips, our first kiss. Still shocked, she told me how she never stopped thinking about me and that there was others and how one came very close, but she always held back. She was missing something. She told me one day moments before the text she thought of me. She too was scared to text me, to call me to message me online and tell me how she really felt.

It’s funny how life works out, we down right almost made out in the store, we touched each other so much that others giggled and stared to the point we both blushed form it. We went to lunch and I told her how things had been for me and she did the same. She did most of the talking, her voice was so lovely, I took her hand and giggled, my stupid laugh. I said. “You know this is the happiest day of my life.. if I where to die right now.. I die a happy man.” She rub my leg and giggled and told me not to die too soon now. I knew it was coming. She told me where she was staying, that she was only in town for a few days and tonight I should come see her so we can at least do what we had both thought about doing to each other for over 10 years, yeah sex.

I went home and saw my mom crying again, I told her what had happened and my mom smiled. She was happy for me. She kissed me and hugged me and told me to shower up and go get the girl of my dreams. Before I left my mom stopped me and gave me a ring. It was her wedding ring, the ring my father had worked his ass off to get for her. It wasn’t worth much, but it was the hard work, the sacrifice behind it that made it special. She said. “Ask her.. I know she will say yes.. as I said.. its your time now..” She smiled and said. “Good-bye” She never said that to me, it was a bit weird but I was so hyper, not because I was going to get some, in fact sex was so far in the back of my mind. It was getting to be with the one girl that I loved, really loved.

You ask, how do I know she was the one? Simple, my mom cried hard after my dad died and I knew that had she died on me, the girl I had let go.. had it been different I would miss her the same. I had waited over ten years for a moment that up until that day likely never was going to happen. I had seen and grown into a man, and she saw that I had been through alot and I knew deep down she wished she had stayed and help me, just as I knew she had been through alot as well. How I wished I could have been there, and as happy I was I hated myself for letting her go even after finding her again.

I said, “A spark.. I knew it was there” She called, to make sure I was coming and told me she had something special planned and even talked dirty a little, like she used to when we first dated online. I got into my car and said I’m coming now and asked about dinner, being I wanted to ask her to marry me. Even if she said no, I wasn’t going to be put down, at least I would have tired. She said to me “I love you baby.” And I replied, telling her it been so long since I heard that form her. She replied. “I know, but you know ever night before I went to bed, I whisper I love you.” How funny I thought. I had done the same thing.

To people, each had different child hoods, lives, family and pain. two different worlds and yet by fate and chance they meet and fall in and out of love with each other. They get mad at each other, they say hurtful things to each other and walk away. Yet even through all that, in all right they are too different to be together, but so was my mom and dad.

I told her, if I sucked I was sorry it been a really long time. She giggled, not worried about that, she just wanted to spend the rest of my life telling me how her life had been for the last ten. I was happy simply for her to be showing as much as she was to me.

What people, people who read this, people who think they are in love, that they know how things are. Do you really know what true love is? To bleed for another person, to love them more then you love yourself? To do things for them, to give up your own joys just for them? To wait so long for something that is so unlikely? That’s what it means to be in love. Love is not something met to be happy, love is tears, blood and pain. To really be in love with someone you must hurt every moment, when you don’t your not in love. I’ve been in pain for 10 years, the same girl, her endless smile and laugh in my head. The way she said my name, the way she flirted with me.

Driving there, it got late. What happened next, yeah your thinking. They had the hottest sex in their lives, he finally got to touch what he saw on the computer, he got to feel what she felt like, hear her soft moans of lust for him. You like me to say they lived happily ever after. That they went to dinner and he did the whole get on one knee, will you marry me line, followed by what everyone would say.

This is not a happy story, he never makes it to her, she sits there all night and cries, calling him and he never answers his phone. She puts out the candles and turns off the music she had for them. She cries herself to sleep and damns him for doing this and why she even cared, it been 10 years. She gets a call the next day. Its my mom, and tells her. “I’m sorry..”

At first shes in shock, she drops the phone and falls to her knees, no. It wasn’t true. As it turns out, one of those big trunks ran off the phone and he was in a bad crash. His car was flipped and nearly crushed on the wall, after all it was the freeway and he likely was doing at least 70 miles per hour. I would be too, you don’t take your time for a woman who came after you after ten years like that.

He was rushed in after about an hour of laying there in the car, but he died on the table at 10:15pm on October 13th 2028. He simply lost too much blood. She got dressed and rushed down there to find out, only to be told he was gone. She started to scream. A cop walks up to her and says her name, and says he had a message for her. As it turns out, after the car was flipped, he had on the road side, in his own blood left her a message. When they got to the scene and saw it, they where shocked at it. They had taken a picture of it and show it to her.

“… will you marry me?” was there, and his hand, lifeless, cover in blood holding the ring his mother had given to him…

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Note: Not a true story, it’s wrote in a way that it can be anyone, its why I used no names, the characters are faceless.